the little things

I went to a wedding tonight. I didn't think I'd react to anything other happiness.

I'd forgotten how much it pains me to see couples together.

I keep forgetting that "Do you have a boyfriend?" is a question that strangers ask, so it catches me off guard. Usually I react okay with a smile and a "no," and it's fine.

I got thrown off today when someone followed my "no" with: "Are you talking to anyone?"

I think I didn't know what to say. She mistook my silence for hesitation, and cried, "You are!" I corrected her. I wonder if that's something I can work on. What do I say to that? A basic "no" would work. Why did I freeze up?


I don't wear very much make-up, but I was starting to try. I did it very occasionally. After 3/11, I went from light to zero. I figured it'd be risky because I found myself liable to burst into tears at any moment. I put on a little tonight, though. I figured that I've had enough clean days that I wasn't likely to cry at a wedding.

And I was good. I made it through the wedding without any tearshed. The wedding was nice. I was a little sad to miss you and what we might've been, but I lasted.

It was afterward, when I went to Bianca's house for her birthday, that I wasn't so good. I started off well. At one point, Jerry, who wasn't sober, pulled me aside and told me that I was amazing.

That broke me. The word "amazing." Tell me again, Sho. Tell me how amazing I am, and this time, I'll tell you how extraordinary you are. I started crying in the kitchen, right where Jerry was talking to me, but there was a party going on and I didn't want to be crying there, so then we went to the backyard and I cried some more. And then we went back in, and later on I was looking for Wilson and someone said he was in the backyard, so I went to go find him, and somehow we landed on the topic of you and I cried again.

God fucking damn it.

My friends are very full of love, Sho. I wish you could've met them. Lately I guess my mind has been very set on the concept of the world ending, because I don't know what I'll do if it doesn't. Tonight, someone told me that they wouldn't be alive if not for me. He's hanging by a thread, but he's grateful for what is here. It made me feel like that's the contrast of what I'm hoping for. It made me feel like maybe I should be guilty for wishing we could get hit by a meteor. It's such a cheap way out, but it's a way out, and I want it.

I want the happy newlyweds to have a future. I want them to have happiness. I want people who want a future to have a future. Isn't there any way for me to be with you without having anyone suffer?

Tonight, I was reminded of their love. I don't think it changes my feelings about the world as of yet, but it's good to remember.