looking back

Can't sleep cause I had some tea earlier today, so...

I was browsing a little bit through my past entries. I mean, jumping back to 2002 or so is pretty damn embarrassing, but... man, I really learned some great lessons in 2007 and 2008.

And I'm really glad that I wrote them down, because I gave myself some great advice in the past that I wouldn't even be capable of today. I mean, it wasn't like I was sitting in front of the computer telling myself how to deal with my issues, but I would write, and as I wrote I would work out what was going on in my head, and by the end of the entry... I'd have learned something, sometimes, maybe.

Well, here's what's going on with me now, in case future me ever comes back to kick around and see what she can uncover. I'm working as a full-time temp at a projector company. My plan was to take some classes starting in April, for fun, and to apply to leave for China and teach English for a year, departure tentatively in July. I was going to look for a part-time job for the next quarter, between the end of the temp job and the departure for China or TW.

How things changed: My temp job likes me. There was an indefinite timeline. When I told my supe I was only going to hang around for another week or two, he understood. He recognized that I wasn't in the ideal position for a USP college grad, and that I could do better. However, he also wanted me to stay, even as a part-time employee. I said I'd take it into consideration.

The next day, my supervisor's boss talked to me. In essence, she told me that I could take a permanent position there, if I could see myself staying long-term. She was 90% sure that they had it in their budget to hire me on as a permanent, but there was no estimate salary of their offer-- just a verbal suggestion. She said she'd have to check with HR first, depending on my experience and such.

My dilemma: If I take the offer, it closes many doors for me. What would I cancel? Classes next quarter. Part-time jobs in other fields. Volunteer work at the shelter that I've been wanting to do forever. The year-long adventure in China would be put on hold, indefinitely.

If I take the offer, it would allow me to pay off my loans at a faster rate. I could be free before leaving, and not have to stress out about loans while I'm abroad. I could save up more before leaving, and have more freedom to travel and play.

I'm a young college grad. The economy's not the greatest. I'm not finding other jobs I like that are full-time offers. Should I really be all that picky about what I can get? Am I beggar yet who can't choose?

My dad's looking at new cars, since we're one short in the house. If I stayed, I could start paying off my own car. My parents are getting old, but I guess that was also a reason I wanted to leave soon-- the sooner, the better, so I could be back to take care of them before they really need it.

I love that they haven't really given me their opinion on this, either. It's up to me, what I want to do. They can offer, but they didn't really say if I should go either way. I guess they know how unhappy I am. Part of the reason I think I'd been getting through my days sometimes was because I knew that I was going to be leaving soon.

Should I suffer for a while, to be happy later? Should I do what's right for me? What is right for me?

Huh. Guess that one was inconclusive. At least it's out.