Dear Alfalfa,

Okay. So I know it's lame that I can't do this in person. And I know it's not fair of me to ask you for any answers, but here's the thing: I'm not being fair to myself, either. And who knows? Maybe you do have an answer for me.

I wanted us to have no ties at the start of this summer because I didn't think it was at all appropriate for me to ask you to wait for me. If you were to end up meeting someone, either in the summer or the start of fall quarter, I wouldn't want to be the one holding you back. Frankly, it doesn't much matter to me-- I think I knew from the beginning that I wasn't going to be falling for anyone while abroad. But it is nice to dream.

Anyway. What's my point? I thought I could be really cool about this. But, I'm not going to lie-- it bothers the hell out of me that you don't talk to me. I don't mean you're unresponsive, but that you haven't made the effort to seek me out, to ask what's up, to find out how I'm doing. And, yes, in all fairness, you have no obligation to do so. So I have no justification as to why it might tick me off. Why am I jealous when I see pictures of you with a million girls? It's not like I have any claim. You're free to do anything you like. I'm trying to be reasonable, really. That's why my envy remains passive.

How.ever. You did in fact do a number of things in the last quarter that may lead me to believe one of two things: a) you liked me, or b) you used me. If b is true, then you are scum. Between my toes, as Alfalfa would so eloquently put it. But, I have to be fair again-- it takes two, and as much as you may have been misleading me, I never asked for clarification.

If it is a, then your actions currently (or a lack of, rather) would ergo lead me to believe that you do not, in fact, hold those same feelings anymore. If that is the case, then I'd like to know.

Why? Don't I deserve to? See, it's taken me a while to arrive at this conclusion, and I am only just now formulating it as I type. I couldn't really understand what it was that was ticking at me, slow, persistent, constant --but I get it now. Because, under the impression that you still hold me in the similar regard to which I hold you, then I can't wait until I get back and I can see you again. Really.

But I don't feel this is the case. No, the vibe I get is that whatever emotions you may have held are now regarded in the past tense. You had a hell of a summer, fun, new, exciting, full of exotic (yes, I said exotic) Asian girls or, better yet, some really cool cats that actually come from your home state, so you have something in common and you'll be able to continue to see them as the years progress, again and again and again.

And I can deceive myself, but if I run a check on my memories, objectively--yeah, it's true, you're not really into me. That last kiss goodbye? What, did you feel obligated? Never bringing up the subject, until I forced myself to do it at the very last minute? Well, yeah, if you had wanted to know, if you had been curious for some sort of definition then you would have asked. As it were, you would have been totally okay walking away leaving things hanging. Strings untied. It boggles me that you would have found that acceptable.

So, that's what I need to know. Do you want me to leave those strings untied, or should I be looking for closure? Why do I ask? Not because it makes a difference where I am, but rather-- if I'm going to have to build a bridge and get over it in three months anyway, then I might as well start working on that bridge now. And I know, you wanted to put things on "hold"-- I get it now, there's no such thing. Yeah, you want to wait and see. Or maybe you already knew the answer, and it was just a verbal Way Out for you.

But I need confirmation.

I'm not asking for an answer this very moment. But give it some thought. Let me know if I'm wasting my time. And don't be nice. Be honest.
It's the least a decent human can do.
Right?

Yours truly,
Darla

P.S. So... now what? Do I really send it? And how?