leave out all the rest

So I missed this deadline for turniton.com by like an hour; basically I just forgot about it and I wasn't home all weekend to do it. We have three papers due in the class, and according to the handout we have 1/3 of a grade deducted for each day a paper is late. However, it also says if we miss one submission to turnitin.com we are unable to pass the class. Right, okay, you're telling me I should just quit life now. I e-mailed the TA with a basic is-there-anything-I-could-do to avoid having to fail college? No, I jest. I did e-mail him, though.

What I find interesting, I guess, is not so much my concern but my resignation. Instead of freaking out, I'm just thinking, "Fuckity fuck fuck." What can I do now? How did I manage to forget that? Why did I choose to go with him this weekend? Why did I stay late for practice? But the thing is, I don't really regret any of it. They're just kind of questions, but I'm not spending that much time reflecting on the couldawouldashoulda. It's more like--oh, great. So now I'm here. It's just making me wonder about my schedule. I've just dropped a shift in work to reduce my hours, so I would like to say that I think I'm good there, but I guess I should have asked earlier. My GPA last quarter was below 3.0. I guess I was really planning to try and lift it. If I drop I still have enough units for financial aid.

I guess that's the strange thing--when I realized how screwed I was, I wasn't completely flipping out and wanting to cry, even though I could easily say that. I don't really feel it. It was more like...okay, so I guess I could pull a W if I need to because it's past fourth week so I can't drop it. Then if I do 5 and 6 in the summer, I could do 4 in fall and finish off with 2 in winter next year. That's another problem, though--summer courses. But, I digress. I think the first rational though in my head, after "shit," was "it's okay, it happens." Except the consequences aren't normally quite as drastic, I would think. I would hope. I went through "FUCK." and then "fuckity fuck fuck," but notice neither of the two involved a "!" which I suppose could mean a sense of panic.

There. That's it. Panic. Whatever panic I felt did not last very long--it was more like GREAT. THANKS. I'm tired, so tired, constantly, every day. I'm wondering if I'm struggling more than I realized to juggle work, badminton, and school. And I could easily blame it on one stupid hour, but I don't want to resent the past, because there's nothing I can change about it. I don't really want to have to regret any part of my weekend, regardless of how much time I lost--because the fact of the matter is, I can't do anything about it.

I want college to go slow. Especially if the world is going to end in 2012. I suppose I want to graduate in four years and work for that last year before we die. So I guess in a way I don't really want to do five years. Maybe four and a half. I haven't really planned it out yet, and I think it's because I know I won't follow my plan. I want to do summer session and I want to study in New Zealand my third year. I'd go for next year but Australia and New Zealand are only available for third-years and above. But yeah, back to the slow thing: I haven't really been pushing myself to the limit, or at least I don't think I have, and by that I mean doing as much as everyone else around me is. Because that's what I've always thought I should do--stack up on classes because all my buddies are. And so in college I thought, well, I should definitely take my time with it, because it's important and I don't really want to pile up every quarter and not enjoy my time here. I want to do well, and I think for that to happen I need to go at my own pace instead of trying to be everyone else.

I really don't know what I'm doing here. I love UCSD, don't get me wrong. But what am I doing in college? I suck at this. I don't have my priorites straight.
And I'm having trouble caring, I think.