glad to be alive

So I've noticed that I'm pretty bummed out, and I'm acting a little emo, and Natalie says I'm being passive.
And I just think...what's the point? I feel like...what matters right now is that I'm alive, and I'm grateful to be living and breathing, so I don't want to think about trivial matters like love lives and all the things that constantly drag us down, down, down. But of course I do.
I just want to say...please don't do this to me. Don't make me be this person that I don't want to be, feeling emotions that I don't want to feel, because if it's true, if I've been misled and everything I read into was wrong, then it just means it'll be that much harder to learn to trust again. Like always, right? Nobody ever wants to get hurt. I don't want to be some girl getting depressed over a guy for dumb reasons. I'm just sad. Pointlessly, irrationally sad. I was fine today, and I had my moments but for the most part I'm just GLAD TO BE ALIVE, because in the end that's all that matters--that I haven't died in some horrific accident, that I'm still here.

My eyes keep flicking over, and then I stop and retreat. I don't know what I want. I'm not just afraid, I'm terrified. That's why I guess I'm being passive. I hate messing up, and I don't want to deal with a human heart unless I have to, because what if I mess that up, too? I guess the big reason I've been so reluctant to date anybody ever again was because of what happened the last time I did. So now I'm treading on thin ice...with myself. Balking at the idea of getting involved. Letting go, and so nothing will happen, and nobody will ever get anywhere. Perhaps he'll meet some other chick, I'll meet another guy. It's not difficult in life. And so when we meet, as I'm sure we will...

dunno.