Relax.

Relax. Relax. I seem to be hearing that word more often lately, during times when I don't expect to be hearing it. Relax, says John when he wants me to change my clear stroke in badminton. Relax, says Ricky, after he's discovered my reaction to pokes and decides to give me a massage as I'm playing mj because I happen to be sitting right in front of him. Apparently I'm always tense.

But it's weird, because I hear it during times when I'm not stressing out. I'm doing things that are supposed to be relaxing me, and I'm starting to think that I don't know what that word means. Relax. How the heck do you just...relax? I tried taking deep breaths. Yeah my hands are rarely fully steady now, a little worse than it was high school, but I don't know how to change that. I'm not panicking, I'm not flipping out, I'm just...there.

But...you want me to relax? Put my body completely at ease?

I don't know how to do it.