it is 1:36 AM, on a...sunday morning, rain is falling...
during the week, i crave sleep. i am both physically and mentally drained. exhausted. call it what you will, i have no energy. it's yearbook and badminton, i suppose, that takes the biggest toll on me. i literally have no energy. i did poorly on wednesday's final challenges. then there was the makeup on thursday, where we beat other teams.
and still..all for what.
our boys doubles is weak. and that's why i'm not playing.
at least, i'm assuming that's why. because, by all accounts, david and i should be playing #4. but boys doubles needs him more than mixed does.
kind of odd. two weeks ago i wasn't sure if i even wanted to be an alternate.
during the weekend, it's fucking 2 am and i'm awake because i'm stupid.
we have 28 days of school left.
what to do, what to do.
_kite. due. thursday. fuck.
_creed. due. thursday. steps III, IV. i was working on that today. for about ten minutes. then i was sidetracked by a chinese soap my mom was watching. and then i kept watching, and i lost about three or four hours to that. some time in the evening up till, uh, 11 something pm.
_crime and punishment essay. potential final draft, something peer edit during this week.
_crime and punishment trial research.
_history map. again. ... kay. fuck.
_chem hw #26.
_wash my pe clothes.
_procrastinate.
_yearbook final. shiieeeet. omfg. omfg. omfg. 14 days. shieeeeeet. omfg. omfg. omfg.
_MVALs? figure out what the fuck i'm supposed to do. do i show up to practice, because if i don't, i'll be considered lazy? or do i show up and have people say, what the fuck is she doing here, she's not even playing. she's not even varsity. cor. i hate uncertainty. why is there a line between the lines.
_grow my chem salt crystal.
_study something for chem that i never understood to begin with. then take the prelab quiz and get some extra debit.
_is this a haphazard order?
_yes.
_english. english. english. not funny.
_spanish? something vocab. i hate spanish. and i'm still taking III next year. fuck. i like buell though. i just don't want to learn it anymore.
_get my ohlone forms in.
_consider wisdom. sign up if i do decide to go.
_apply somewhere? or is it early.
_it's early.
_update my fat ass 5-subj history notebook.
_find a dress for charmaine.
_do my geometry homework.
_get lafferty to sign the jca sl form from the manga expo.
_make copies of aforementioned form.
_yayy. ^__^
_the above smiley is sarcastic, by the way.
_cause you might not have caught that.
_just thought i'd state the obvious.
_shiet.
e 1:55 AM: ha, i was rereading this and i realized i forgot to complete the thought at the beginning of the post. why i don't take advantage of sleep on weekends. beats the hell out of me.
anyway. and where i said i'm not playing. i'm assuming it's because boys doubles needs david more than mixed does. because by all accounts we should be playing #4.
kind of odd. two weeks ago i wasn't sure if i even wanted to be an alternate. all i could think of was, "i'm tired, and i just want to be done with this." and then after our final game i was like, "shit. we just had our final game." and then "..." and then "i want to go to mvals now."
and i don't mind being alternate if somebody could just clearly define the position for me. on the one hand, i show up, and i feel out of place because it's not like i'm needed. and then people will think i'm just taking advantage to cut class. except i don't want to cut class because it's a busy week. 800 meter wednesday, so if i don't go i lose 5 points, although i don't know how much that's worth because i failed two of the miles or something and pe is still my only a on my report card, other than yb, but uh. yeah. that's not saying much.
what was my point again?
yeah. and then if i DON'T go, and in some utterly bizarre scenario some chick from our team is rendered disabled or nonexistent or otherwise can't play or something and they might actually need me, i won't be there. and then they'll say, fuck, caroline's irresponsible. why isn't she here. she's supposed to be here.
huh. i wonder if that answers my question of whether or not i'm supposed to go.
whatever.
my second incomplete thought in the beginning of the entry, concerning the differences in my sleep attitude between the weekdays and the weekends:
on weekdays, i want sleep.
during the weekend, it's fucking 2 am and i'm awake because i'm stupid.
during the week, i crave sleep. i am both physically and mentally drained. exhausted. call it what you will, i have no energy. it's yearbook and badminton, i suppose, that takes the biggest toll on me. i literally have no energy. i did poorly on wednesday's final challenges. then there was the makeup on thursday, where we beat other teams.
and still..all for what.
our boys doubles is weak. and that's why i'm not playing.
at least, i'm assuming that's why. because, by all accounts, david and i should be playing #4. but boys doubles needs him more than mixed does.
kind of odd. two weeks ago i wasn't sure if i even wanted to be an alternate.
during the weekend, it's fucking 2 am and i'm awake because i'm stupid.
we have 28 days of school left.
what to do, what to do.
_kite. due. thursday. fuck.
_creed. due. thursday. steps III, IV. i was working on that today. for about ten minutes. then i was sidetracked by a chinese soap my mom was watching. and then i kept watching, and i lost about three or four hours to that. some time in the evening up till, uh, 11 something pm.
_crime and punishment essay. potential final draft, something peer edit during this week.
_crime and punishment trial research.
_history map. again. ... kay. fuck.
_chem hw #26.
_wash my pe clothes.
_procrastinate.
_yearbook final. shiieeeet. omfg. omfg. omfg. 14 days. shieeeeeet. omfg. omfg. omfg.
_MVALs? figure out what the fuck i'm supposed to do. do i show up to practice, because if i don't, i'll be considered lazy? or do i show up and have people say, what the fuck is she doing here, she's not even playing. she's not even varsity. cor. i hate uncertainty. why is there a line between the lines.
_grow my chem salt crystal.
_study something for chem that i never understood to begin with. then take the prelab quiz and get some extra debit.
_is this a haphazard order?
_yes.
_english. english. english. not funny.
_spanish? something vocab. i hate spanish. and i'm still taking III next year. fuck. i like buell though. i just don't want to learn it anymore.
_get my ohlone forms in.
_consider wisdom. sign up if i do decide to go.
_apply somewhere? or is it early.
_it's early.
_update my fat ass 5-subj history notebook.
_find a dress for charmaine.
_do my geometry homework.
_get lafferty to sign the jca sl form from the manga expo.
_make copies of aforementioned form.
_yayy. ^__^
_the above smiley is sarcastic, by the way.
_cause you might not have caught that.
_just thought i'd state the obvious.
_shiet.
e 1:55 AM: ha, i was rereading this and i realized i forgot to complete the thought at the beginning of the post. why i don't take advantage of sleep on weekends. beats the hell out of me.
anyway. and where i said i'm not playing. i'm assuming it's because boys doubles needs david more than mixed does. because by all accounts we should be playing #4.
kind of odd. two weeks ago i wasn't sure if i even wanted to be an alternate. all i could think of was, "i'm tired, and i just want to be done with this." and then after our final game i was like, "shit. we just had our final game." and then "..." and then "i want to go to mvals now."
and i don't mind being alternate if somebody could just clearly define the position for me. on the one hand, i show up, and i feel out of place because it's not like i'm needed. and then people will think i'm just taking advantage to cut class. except i don't want to cut class because it's a busy week. 800 meter wednesday, so if i don't go i lose 5 points, although i don't know how much that's worth because i failed two of the miles or something and pe is still my only a on my report card, other than yb, but uh. yeah. that's not saying much.
what was my point again?
yeah. and then if i DON'T go, and in some utterly bizarre scenario some chick from our team is rendered disabled or nonexistent or otherwise can't play or something and they might actually need me, i won't be there. and then they'll say, fuck, caroline's irresponsible. why isn't she here. she's supposed to be here.
huh. i wonder if that answers my question of whether or not i'm supposed to go.
whatever.
my second incomplete thought in the beginning of the entry, concerning the differences in my sleep attitude between the weekdays and the weekends:
on weekdays, i want sleep.
during the weekend, it's fucking 2 am and i'm awake because i'm stupid.
coming from a caroliine @ 01:36
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