Tonight, I write.

About love, about life, about fights.

I've got some self-evaluating to do, and who better to do it with than you?

Sometimes I think that all the fight has gone out of me. I mean, the me five years ago had passion. She believed that "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." When she believed in a cause that she thought was worth fighting for, she didn't give up.

The me now can hardly find a cause that's worth getting up for.

And the me now doesn't see how the rest of the world can keep on fighting, when sometimes it is just, so tiring. How is it that I could have stepped away for four and a half years, and come back, and people are still exploding at each other, left and right?

The me now just doesn't get it.

I do, in fact, find some amusement every time I type "me now." There are probably better ways to phrase that.

I was kidding about the topic of "love." I really don't have anything to say about it.

Maybe that's tied in to the fight, too. Love is something people fight for. And these days, I rarely ever think anything is worth fighting for. The idea just makes me feel so exhausted.

And... life. It's interesting how my life could have gone down so many different pathways. What if I'd been a little more intrigued by engineering, and less intimidated by the word? What if I'd chose a different major? Joined other clubs? Done college differently, and done it well?

At some point, when I declared my major, I think I thought: I can put my future on hold, really. If I want to work with animals later, I can. For now, let's just do this.

Huh. I wonder if that means I settled for USP.

Anyway. I think somewhere along the line, I also felt that-- even if I don't accomplish everything I want to in college, I will still have the rest of my life to do it. So, yes, even though it'd be great to go back to school knowing everything that I know now and doing it all over again with more wisdom, it's not something that'll happen.

But, I still have the rest of my life.

So, to get to the rest, I'd like to think about my regrets-- because, as much as I'd like to live my life without any, I must acknowledge them in order to be rid of them.

First: what are subjects that have always, or at some point, held some interest for me?

_Languages: I've always been fascinated by them. I always think I can learn more. I could learn more. This is potentially possible.

_Programming: I used to think it might be fun to do a CS minor. After my first CS class, I chose to let go of it, because I felt it wasn't worth it to do CS and not do it as a major. (I think someone had said it to me before, and after a while, I realized what they meant.) And, I had just recently declared USP as my major, liked it very much, and didn't view CS as something I should do instead. In my decisiveness, I stuck with USP. Sometimes I think that if I had taken CS before USP, I might have become one of the dungeon students. I started off okay in the class, but eventually I let it go.

_Animals: I went into college hoping to pursue some degree that would allow me to work with animals. I never really wanted to be a vet, but I wanted to be around animals. At some point, I learned that you don't really need a degree to be an animal cop, and so I thought, maybe someday in the future, after I'm more settled doing whatever I'm doing, I can go and be an animal cop. So I put that thought on hold.

_English: I've always liked English. It's been easy for me. I'm picky when I edit papers for people. I'm generally pretty anal about grammar. And, despite my rapid degradation of the use of the subject in college, I think I used to write pretty often, in most of high school. So, yes, maybe my major could have been English literature, which was always a subject that I genuinely enjoyed. I love lit analysis.

Now, I like USP, but it's not like it was something that was always calling out to me. Hell, maybe I could've taken an engineering class or two and done structural. But, nah, who am I kidding? I'm terrible in math. Could use it, though. Maybe I'll take a math class to get my brain working again. Maybe I could've taken more classes at Extension to learn to draft and use AutoCad. Maybe I should've taken Architecture in high school, and see if I might've been interested in that. Because, it's related to my field now, but... how do I know? I mean, if architecture was right for me, I'd know, right? I'm gonna say it's not, because if it were, I should have stronger feelings than this.

So, what did I do in college that I DID like? I liked my Mandarin classes. I liked my ASL class, and I wish I'd done it earlier so I could've done more. My one quarter of Latin was a serious challenge, and I wish I'd understood what L4 meant because then I would've taken it all over the summer. I liked my major, Urban Studies & Planning. Funny how that's not the first thing up, though, right? MMW was sometimes fun the second year. CS was fun. Torturous, but so satisfying when complete.

I joined badminton. It swallowed my life my freshman year, and a little bit less my second year, when I discovered we had a Habitat for Humanity chapter. I went to New Zealand from the summer between Years 2 and 3 until fall quarter of third year, which is something that I am supremely glad I did. But when I came back, I was too busy with Habitat to have time for badminton anymore. I also received the burden of the USP Club. Yes, it was a burden. It was... good for me. But it was still very much a burden.

What do I wish I'd done? Okay, so admittedly my life was pretty busy. Still, I always think there could've been room for more. I wish I'd gone to archery more often, instead of the 3x I went after graduating. I wish I'd joined the Wushu team and learned to do some kickass stunts. Sometimes, I also vaguely wish I'd taken part in one of the Chinese clubs, if only for the sake of better knowing a man that I sometimes think could've been my life mate. (That's when I know Fate is punching me in the gut, just a little, for not taking initiative.) I'm not really kidding, but that's a long side story. It also would've been good improvement for my Chinese. And, speaking of Chinese, I also wish I'd dabbled in other languages, if only for a quarter. Korean, Vietnamese, French... I wish I'd done more art classes, or even just one or two. Maybe I should have taken a ballroom dance class at RIMAC. Maybe I should have done more yoga. Gone climbing at VH more and properly utilized my membership there. Gone to the drive-in more often. Played volleyball. Learned to play the guitar.

But, I'm starting to deviate to things that I can still do, up here. And there's more, if we remove the SD barrier. Things I'd like to do. Learn to play the piano. Play more badminton. Train in muay thai. Learn to cook more dishes.

I guess I'm getting into a bucket list, which I already have, elsewhere. But there are things that I would still like to learn, and it helps me to note them all here, so... it's not over yet.

Maybe later, someday.