build a bridge & get over it!

It's easier this time, to lose faith in something that I never completely trusted. Boys just want to have fun, I get it.

The problem with me, I think, and possibly with all girls who like to delude themselves, is called selective hearing. Yeahhh, you know what I'm talking about. Take, for example, the words I had to pull out of him akin to a doorknob, floss and a loose tooth pre-departure:

"I wasn't planning to get into anything before leaving, so how about we go on hold?"

Now, at the time, what I heard was: we're on hold.

It's taken a PAINFULLY long (okay, 2.5 months ain't bad, I've probably done worse) amount of time for me to realise: the key words were not "on hold" but rather "not planning."

As in, he was trying to let me down easy!

I was a fling?!

I'm APPALLED. I mean, I hadn't even decided if HE was a fling! Why does he get to make that choice?!

I'm laughing about it, actually. The whole thing is ridiculous. I'm not being fair; I can't entirely bash on him when I wasn't wholeheartedly enamoured by the guy. Yeah, I really liked the concept of having him in my future, I thought he was steady, solid, and that the only reason no confirmation ever came up was because we had a shortage of Time. Did he use me? Maybe. Maybe? Yes, definitely. Did I use him?

I recall the moment my old captain asked me, at a table in front of eight others, if I liked the guy (he was absent). And I opened my mouth, but found myself speechless. Ultimately, I gave no verbal affirmative or negative, but within seconds I realised the entire table had fallen silent. I had everyone's full attention, and there was no longer any need for me to speak because my cheeks had begun to burn, a nice, embarrassing hot flush, and then someone pointed out the obvious and they began to laugh.

They took it as a yes.

Ah, bu-bu-buh! I hadn't noticed it before, but, consequently, I took their word for it. Sure, if they say so then it must be so!

But why didn't I answer her? I mean, if I had known, in my own heart, that I could provide a definite yes or no, I would've given it. But I didn't, because I wasn't sure. Instead, I let my audience assume. Because, he may not have committed himself to me, but, and this is an important but in my epiphany: nor had I to him.

Logically then, it was the jesting and opinions of third, fourth, fifth parties who convinced me I had stronger feelings than I really did. Now, part of me wanted to think that the following lapse correlated to his flying off to another country, and I felt, equivalently, that had someone significantly sparked my interest here, I would not have wanted to face confrontation with any ties with him. Howeverrr, I realise that he dropped me the moment we left San Diego.

Honestly, it's a bit difficult to connect all the dots sometimes without a third party, like trying to look at your own eye without a mirror.

Anyway, enough rambling, I'm going back to the beginning. I gave the conversation a bit more thought, and, like the dawn breaking through the clouds on a lovely summer day, nonexistent here in my current hemisphere, but we do have some sunny winter days occasionally, and I digress-- he said what I'd say if I were breaking up with a guy I have no intention of pursuing a future with.

Holy shit!

And I thought guys had some whole spiel about saying things directly, no beating around the bush, PSHHH. Wait, did I just pursue a breakup speech for a non-relationship? Of course, it was either that or be left wondering, so the decision was simple; I had to ask. The results? Not so lucid. Either he meant what he said, or I just got dumped.

LOL.

Okay, it's not funny, but...it IS. I mean, wtf just happened? Okay, it didn't just happen.
But, still. LOL.

I think I built my bridge.