Fuck.

I've always thought I'd do it if I had to; that it wouldn't be a big deal. That if we can't afford it, we can't afford it; I would learn to deal with it.

Realistically, however, I've always imagined myself moving out. Despite my major love for Fremont, I don't really see myself staying here for college. I'm ready to leave. Ohlone is nice and all, but I never want to go through that application process again. If either of my sisters had ever left home, perhaps I would feel differently, and I'd be satisfied with a JC. That's not the case, though; nobody has left after high school, and I dislike the trend. I want out.

Oh, money. Why do you torture me so?
I thought the cancellation for all the plans were bad. No car, no Asia trip, no Canada.
But damn, college. That's really somethin'.
I never went to Hawaii with the choir before I quit. I hate to bring this up now because it was so long ago, but that was something I had kept as a goal: go on at least one trip with CCC before I left, because I had spent...what, five, seven years of my life with them? And hadn't been on a single trip. They had some fairly good deals, too. I let go of every opportunity I had. Anaheim. More Anaheim. Hawaii! My sister went to China. Twice.
I feel so fucking cheated right now.

If anybody deserves Davis, it's my sister. She's gone through the three years, and there is no reason for her to stay. I, on the other hand, could work at Ohlone until it's time again.

But, zomg, I really don't want to. I guess this is what James meant when he asked if I was ready to leave. I hadn't really thought of it the other way around: am I willing to stay?

I don't understand why I am living in this world. Most of the people I know, most of my friends, are significantly better off, financially, than my family. Whenever that plays into our lives I feel out of place. Why did they move here? Why did they choose here? Why not a world where we could make it? I know I should be grateful for everything I have, and I am. But I can't keep up with you guys. I don't have enough. I keep being reminded of that quote from The Giving Tree: I have given it all, and I'm sorry but I've nothing left to give.
I'm so sorry. Why can't I do more? Why can't I give more? Why is there nothing left?
What? What? Tell me. What other choice is there?
Why don't they know more? Why didn't they account for college? Why didn't they save more? Why didn't they...why didn't they...why am I here in Fremont? Don't get me wrong; I love the life I've made here and the friends I gotten to know. But if we can't keep up, why are we living in one of the most expensive cities? FUCK. What is WRONG?

I feel as though if I don't go, I've wasted my time with the applications. Except I know I would also regret it if I went to Ohlone and never applied to a UC. Now I know where I stand.

What to do. What to doo.