I feel really discouraged.

If I earn money, should I really spend it on the trip?
I'll go crazy if I don't make it.
But I'll feel guilty if I do.

This is stupid.

-

Financial aid expects a student in my situation to earn 1500 in savings over the summer.
Which requires a summer job.
Which means, when would we even have time to go?

If I needed about 1500 to go to China and 1500 for school next year, and pretty much all I can do for family, I'd have to have at least 3000.
This is really depressing.
I'd be better off in my future if I spent this coming summer working full time instead of leaving.
If someone could assure me that there might be an opportunity like this one again in the future, I'd postpone it. But let's face it; there won't be. We might not even be friends a summer later. All housing is covered in Huadu and Shanghai, and when does that ever happen? Never.
I have this dull feeling that I'm not going to make it.
If I earn enough to leave, I'll be blowing all my savings on a trip instead of earning it for college.
The question is, even if I make it, should I do it?
I'm supposed to be focusing on academics.
Even my ex-boss told me I don't need to look for another job; I should study.
But I have to find a way.
Where there's a will, there's a way.

I have to find a way.
God. Jeez. Shucks. I don't even have a word for what I'm feeling right now.
Except for being extremely discouraged, after taking into account all of the other things that I need to pay for.
I'm beginning to doubt karma.
Life comes back to bite you in the ass.
I spent my childhood lending money to my sisters.
I find myself the only person in my family without income. The tables have turned and I am the one who needs money.
But I don't see luck being on my side.
Seventeen years, almost eighteen and not a change in circumstances.
Better things, yes.
But--is it meant to be a dream for the rest of our lives?
I want to live.
I feel like I've been cheated.
By Fate, Lady Luck, whomever.
I'm sure I have no right to ask more than what I have.
A roof, food, clothes. What more do I need, right?

But if I can't do this, I will only be a huge disappointment to myself.
And if I can do it, I will put myself financially behind.

In class, we had a question that asked what we wanted right now more than anything.
My partner's answer was to have the guy she liked ask her out.
My first response was to go home.
Then I realized, beyond that, I would have given anything to leave for China right then and there with everyone I was supposed to go with.

But that isn't my priority, and I shouldn't let it be.