once upon a time

Writing used to be so easy. It was an outlet. It was a Way Out. It was recreational.

But it wasn't just that it was possible; what made it possible was that I had stuff to say. Why is it different now? How have I changed? Before, my writing was like a record, and if I look back, I can actually see my own growth with a grim embarrassment. But, without writing, I no longer have that kind of marker. I can no longer keep track of changes, because it all exists within me.

I wish I would write more again, but the writing much more easily in the years when life was more difficult. Not that life really gets any easier, but through our more angsty teenage years it was so much more necessary to deal with the constant strife and drama.

What's changed since high school? I've moved out, and that has substantially altered the relationship I held with my family members. We got dogs, and they have, without doubt, without difficulty, effortlessly, significantly changed the dynamic within the household that I departed from. There is something so inexplicable about animals, unconditional love, and their effects on us, human beings, our hearts open to them, vulnerable, expectant, and sometimes pleasantly surprised. Going home, to be sure, would suck if not for them and the way they've changed my family.

Sometimes I wonder if it was selfish of me to study abroad. I don't regret it; if I had to choose again, I most certainly would have made the same option. I would hate to have left college wondering, wondering. But, inevitably, I will question what things would be like had I stayed. Which friendships would be different? Who might I have met, or not met? Where would I have been? Where would I be now? Would I be taking fewer classes? Owe less money? And, ultimately, what did it accomplish? Was I, in a sense, running away? Abandoning all obligations I had in the state of California to take off for 5 months on a basic vacation while lightly studying?

Sometimes it startles me when I look back on things I've written in the past, and find that I had more insight then than I do now.