mi amor i'm not sure of the right words to say

economics.english.drama.calculus.statistics.foods.

I'm at the halfway point; I have English and Calculus finals tomorrow and Statistics on Friday.

So, it was an interesting weekend. I had fun at prom, saw some stuff at the hotel that I didn't want to see, and learned some facts later that I didn't want to know. Except, of course, that I do, because it's him and when it comes to him of course I want to know, even though, well, I don't.

I guess it was better, though, to hear it straight from him than to find out from someone else. That probably would have crushed me, but to hear it directly made it...stoic.

So seemingly stoic, in fact, that upon further reflection over the next day I began to realize that I was no longer able to distinguish between what was real and what was pretense. My own bleeding heart, and I couldn't read it. I had spent so long pretending it didn't matter, pretending it didn't care...perhaps I bought my own lie. Does that, therefore, make it no longer a lie?

I really don't know what to think. Am I upset? Am I okay? Am I just dismissing it all for another day? I can't even tell myself. I guess all I can do is wait. Am I surprised? No, not really.


I'm afraid of the dark when I'm alone. I try not to let it get to me because I know the thoughts that rush through my head are ridiculous, and by all appearances I probably seem perfectly calm. In truth, it terrifies me. I couldn't find Jason's light switch today and I spent a while running my hands over the walls, trying to find it and fighting the rising panic in my throat. It's got to be here somewhere, it has to be. Stop. Calm down. Slow down. It's here somewhere, you're just not looking carefully enough. See? There it is.

Notice by Gomez. Gender change is necessary, but:

But I'm not the only girl I know that
I'm not the only girl I know that
You never notice

I stopped tryin' to write the things I don't like
And I started goin' back to where I'd been before
She said "I don't blame you I'd do the same"
Opportunity knocks knocks knocks open the door
But I think she saw through it
I see through myself
Another chance gone, won't get many more

But that's not the only lie I told you
That's not the only lie I told you
You never notice.