can i call you, any time?
cause it's 5 am and i can't go back to sleep.
Yesterday, as I was waiting after school for my ride, I decided to take a sort of nap on the bench out by the 200 wing. I found myself staring straight up into a thin canopy of leafy forest, with a crisp blue sky peeking through. Save for the humming interruption of nature's airplane, it was very peaceful, lying there and occasionally hearing the clink of a bat making contact with a softball. Later on, I thought of sixth grade science camp. The redwoods stretched up and up and up, and they said something along the lines of "Keep this image in your head. Remember this, and think of it when you need it."
I've forgotten that image for several years now.
And somehow, it seems very important that I think of it now, though I don't know why.
--
It feels like one of those summer nights in 2004. I had several nights when I couldn't sleep, but that one in particular, when it was 4 AM and I still hadn't fallen asleep, so I got up, desperately wanting to take a walk, and instead turned on the computer, punching at keys for a good hour or two, ridding all the thoughts from the part of my head that says, "Remember this, it's important." Because being able to put it all down on paper meant clearing it from my head, and not having to worry about forgetting something. Yes, that was the change entry.
Earlier this week, I was thinking, this week has been crazy. Except--that's not true. Then I tried to follow up to where everything started getting so hectic, and it goes further back than the week, more than the whole dang month, the entire year has been utter chaos. Alright, I suppose I'm exaggerating here; there are some steadier points.
I always have trouble remembering my schedule. Not to get to class, but when I'm writing in my agenda and trying to remember what homework assignments I have--I end up listing out my whole schedule, shorthand, so that I can consider more accurately what classes I'm taking, whether I have anything to do in there, and if I'm forgetting something.
Today some kids set off a firecracker in the rotunda. I was in Hell Hall with Bio when I heard it explode. "What the fuck was that?" The alarm went off, and people weren't moving. They weren't moving. Naturally, the first thing I thought of was a bomb. Naturally, the first thing I wanted to do was get the fuck out.
In Anatomy, Steph informed me that it blew up right next to Kevin's ear. He was okay, though. Not that it didn't worry me and piss me off anyway. It sucked for everyone who has history next, because of the hearing test. They closed the rotunda for the next several hours, and opened it again during Passing after 5th. I could understand why, but the inconvenience of it all made me want to throttle the idiots who set it off and tell them to get the fuck out of my school.
I got my report card today. Shoot. 88.9? in English, and that was really the only place I badly wanted that A. Everything was a B+ or a B, except for History. I hate borderlines. I hate prats who set off firecrackers, too. Chris was saying that it brought some excitement in our lives, and while I admit that it gave us a break from our classes, I have to draw the line between Excitement and Deep Concern. I should probably draw another line for Pure Stupidity.
The heat is intense, especially in Physicks. I despise heat. Cold, I can tolerate, but heat is uncomfortable.
I wish someone would wake up and talk to me. But who wakes up at 6 AM on a Saturday morning anymore? I could go watch cartoons, maybe, but John's asleep on the sofa. I fell asleep around 6 last night, so I didn't quite make it to the game. I hope we did well. Then I woke up around 3 because my sister and John came home and kindly told me to relocate. I realized, after, when I was trying to sleep again, that I had already slept for nine hours, and that was the reason I couldn't fall asleep. I spent about two hours in bed, not exactly tossing and turning, but nowhere near slipping into a deep slumber, either. I decided to get up and get started on my bridge, but the Load button won't work after my design. Maybe I just didn't do something properly. Typical.
I have the queerest feeling that something has gone horribly, horribly wrong somewhere, but I don't know what it was because I was asleep. Now the night is quiet and the world is silent.
At approximately this hour, I would probably go and read some old entries, but that's all gone now. So yes, I feel entirely cut off from you, and yes, I really might never see you again in my life, and yes, that saddens me.
I had a discussion with someone the other day, I think it was Bianca, about graduating. And that, too, saddens me. More than 'o5 leaving, more than 'o6 leaving, is the thought that we will never, ever again all be together. We're all leaving; all going our own separate ways. And, I know, I've heard that the friends you make in college are the friends you keep for life, but this is life now. These are the people that I have lived my entire life with. I went to elementary school with them. I grew up with them. We went to junior high together, and high school. We have watched each other, learned from each other, grown to love and support each other. We have listened to each other, fought with each other, laughed at and hated each other. I mean, what are we all doing after high school? College? The military? Backpacking? Moving? Worse yet, we're all leaving.
And I know, that we all have our own lives to live, we all have separate paths to follow, and obviously, we can't stay together forever. I know that. But still.
I
want a moment
to be real
want to touch things
I don't feel
want to hold on
and feel
I belong.
Yesterday, as I was waiting after school for my ride, I decided to take a sort of nap on the bench out by the 200 wing. I found myself staring straight up into a thin canopy of leafy forest, with a crisp blue sky peeking through. Save for the humming interruption of nature's airplane, it was very peaceful, lying there and occasionally hearing the clink of a bat making contact with a softball. Later on, I thought of sixth grade science camp. The redwoods stretched up and up and up, and they said something along the lines of "Keep this image in your head. Remember this, and think of it when you need it."
I've forgotten that image for several years now.
And somehow, it seems very important that I think of it now, though I don't know why.
--
It feels like one of those summer nights in 2004. I had several nights when I couldn't sleep, but that one in particular, when it was 4 AM and I still hadn't fallen asleep, so I got up, desperately wanting to take a walk, and instead turned on the computer, punching at keys for a good hour or two, ridding all the thoughts from the part of my head that says, "Remember this, it's important." Because being able to put it all down on paper meant clearing it from my head, and not having to worry about forgetting something. Yes, that was the change entry.
Earlier this week, I was thinking, this week has been crazy. Except--that's not true. Then I tried to follow up to where everything started getting so hectic, and it goes further back than the week, more than the whole dang month, the entire year has been utter chaos. Alright, I suppose I'm exaggerating here; there are some steadier points.
I always have trouble remembering my schedule. Not to get to class, but when I'm writing in my agenda and trying to remember what homework assignments I have--I end up listing out my whole schedule, shorthand, so that I can consider more accurately what classes I'm taking, whether I have anything to do in there, and if I'm forgetting something.
Today some kids set off a firecracker in the rotunda. I was in Hell Hall with Bio when I heard it explode. "What the fuck was that?" The alarm went off, and people weren't moving. They weren't moving. Naturally, the first thing I thought of was a bomb. Naturally, the first thing I wanted to do was get the fuck out.
In Anatomy, Steph informed me that it blew up right next to Kevin's ear. He was okay, though. Not that it didn't worry me and piss me off anyway. It sucked for everyone who has history next, because of the hearing test. They closed the rotunda for the next several hours, and opened it again during Passing after 5th. I could understand why, but the inconvenience of it all made me want to throttle the idiots who set it off and tell them to get the fuck out of my school.
I got my report card today. Shoot. 88.9? in English, and that was really the only place I badly wanted that A. Everything was a B+ or a B, except for History. I hate borderlines. I hate prats who set off firecrackers, too. Chris was saying that it brought some excitement in our lives, and while I admit that it gave us a break from our classes, I have to draw the line between Excitement and Deep Concern. I should probably draw another line for Pure Stupidity.
The heat is intense, especially in Physicks. I despise heat. Cold, I can tolerate, but heat is uncomfortable.
I wish someone would wake up and talk to me. But who wakes up at 6 AM on a Saturday morning anymore? I could go watch cartoons, maybe, but John's asleep on the sofa. I fell asleep around 6 last night, so I didn't quite make it to the game. I hope we did well. Then I woke up around 3 because my sister and John came home and kindly told me to relocate. I realized, after, when I was trying to sleep again, that I had already slept for nine hours, and that was the reason I couldn't fall asleep. I spent about two hours in bed, not exactly tossing and turning, but nowhere near slipping into a deep slumber, either. I decided to get up and get started on my bridge, but the Load button won't work after my design. Maybe I just didn't do something properly. Typical.
I have the queerest feeling that something has gone horribly, horribly wrong somewhere, but I don't know what it was because I was asleep. Now the night is quiet and the world is silent.
At approximately this hour, I would probably go and read some old entries, but that's all gone now. So yes, I feel entirely cut off from you, and yes, I really might never see you again in my life, and yes, that saddens me.
I had a discussion with someone the other day, I think it was Bianca, about graduating. And that, too, saddens me. More than 'o5 leaving, more than 'o6 leaving, is the thought that we will never, ever again all be together. We're all leaving; all going our own separate ways. And, I know, I've heard that the friends you make in college are the friends you keep for life, but this is life now. These are the people that I have lived my entire life with. I went to elementary school with them. I grew up with them. We went to junior high together, and high school. We have watched each other, learned from each other, grown to love and support each other. We have listened to each other, fought with each other, laughed at and hated each other. I mean, what are we all doing after high school? College? The military? Backpacking? Moving? Worse yet, we're all leaving.
And I know, that we all have our own lives to live, we all have separate paths to follow, and obviously, we can't stay together forever. I know that. But still.
I
want a moment
to be real
want to touch things
I don't feel
want to hold on
and feel
I belong.
coming from a caroliine @ 05:06
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