Remember 9/11
I've been walking lately, and it gives me more time to sort out my thoughts. I've had a chance to think more about religion, which probably wouldn't have happened if I hadn't gone to The Rock. Anyway, I remember now how I fell out of Christianity. It was maybe two, three years ago. I had been starting to feel like religion was an excuse. Now, before any of my religious readers (if I have any readers at all) go and try to prove me wrong, allow me to explain:
I think the difference between our beliefs is this: When bad things happen to a person who believes in God, they comfort themselves by saying, "God meant for it to be this way. He intended this to happen." When bad things happen to me, I will gripe and complain but ultimately conclude, "Well, that was what happened and there's nothing I can do about it." Because, whatever happens, happens, and whatever happened, happened. As for whatever will happen, well, there are many things that can happen.
I won't argue that God does not exist. I believe that he exists for those who believe in him. To each his own. I also believe that he did exist for me, when I did believe in Him. But somewhere along the way, I don't know, I guess something died.
I remember the line in A Walk to Remember, when Jamie says, "Without suffering, there is no compassion," and Landon replies, "Yeah, tell that to the people who are suffering," or something along those lines. And at one point, I would have agreed with Jamie, but now I agree with Landon. There simply is no way you can look at Rwanda and Sudan, and Charley and Katrina and the Twin Towers and the Holocaust and the Auschwitz Lie and the Rape of Nanking, at all of that, and say, "God meant for it to be this way." What? What was his excuse? That they didn't believe in Him? That all of these people were rightfully punished, because they didn't know God? What are you going to tell me? That things happen for a reason? That God is the reason? No, fuck Him, that's horse shit. You cannot tell me that he actually has a fucking excuse, or a reason, if you will, to cause so much pain and hurt to so many people in so many places. As far as I can see, there is no excuse. In Night, Elie Wiesel proclaimed, "God is dead." And so He is.
I recall that at one point of my...fading out? I did not believe in God, I believed in his existence. I did not trust God, I feared Him. I feared that I would be punished for not believing in Him. And so, perhaps in some aspects, I was punished, and I am being punished, but I can hardly see the difference between my punishment now and my punishment then. Because--hey, what do you know? Life goes on! Shockerrr.
My fear evolved into indifference. At one point, I had a theory that God is, in fact, a fraud. I don't remember my reasoning behind it, but there's a thought for you.
If anything, I think life was worse when I did believe in God. I was more uncertain of myself. Although I suppose one could argue that the point of Christianity is not to make life better, but to appreciate the value of life. For worship, for God. For heaven.
Every organization can defend themselves. Yes, you participated in some outreach program to the poor and you heaped generous donations upon them. Ergo, you are a wonderful person and you are off the hook. After all, you've done your good deed, you don't need to feel "bad" anymore.
What I can never understand is why it is not enough. Where does it all go? Why is it never enough?
I know, you're going to tell me that I'm wrong, that it does make a difference in the lives of many people. And yet, I cannot help but feel that, despite all the charities and all the donations, it is never, ever enough. Why do we never see the fruits of our labors? Wait, what labors? So, you wrote a check. Tough, did you get muscle cramps?
And me, I'm sitting here in my room, in my house, with my computer, my clothes, my food, my shelter. My family. My books, my backpack, my mini iPod. My cell phone. And I have done absolutely nothing, nothing at all.
My point? I don't know.
P.S.--I think, after having gone to The Rock, I have become more certain than ever that God does not exist. This, I am sure, is the polar opposite of the effect they wished to have on me, but there you have it.
I think the difference between our beliefs is this: When bad things happen to a person who believes in God, they comfort themselves by saying, "God meant for it to be this way. He intended this to happen." When bad things happen to me, I will gripe and complain but ultimately conclude, "Well, that was what happened and there's nothing I can do about it." Because, whatever happens, happens, and whatever happened, happened. As for whatever will happen, well, there are many things that can happen.
I won't argue that God does not exist. I believe that he exists for those who believe in him. To each his own. I also believe that he did exist for me, when I did believe in Him. But somewhere along the way, I don't know, I guess something died.
I remember the line in A Walk to Remember, when Jamie says, "Without suffering, there is no compassion," and Landon replies, "Yeah, tell that to the people who are suffering," or something along those lines. And at one point, I would have agreed with Jamie, but now I agree with Landon. There simply is no way you can look at Rwanda and Sudan, and Charley and Katrina and the Twin Towers and the Holocaust and the Auschwitz Lie and the Rape of Nanking, at all of that, and say, "God meant for it to be this way." What? What was his excuse? That they didn't believe in Him? That all of these people were rightfully punished, because they didn't know God? What are you going to tell me? That things happen for a reason? That God is the reason? No, fuck Him, that's horse shit. You cannot tell me that he actually has a fucking excuse, or a reason, if you will, to cause so much pain and hurt to so many people in so many places. As far as I can see, there is no excuse. In Night, Elie Wiesel proclaimed, "God is dead." And so He is.
I recall that at one point of my...fading out? I did not believe in God, I believed in his existence. I did not trust God, I feared Him. I feared that I would be punished for not believing in Him. And so, perhaps in some aspects, I was punished, and I am being punished, but I can hardly see the difference between my punishment now and my punishment then. Because--hey, what do you know? Life goes on! Shockerrr.
My fear evolved into indifference. At one point, I had a theory that God is, in fact, a fraud. I don't remember my reasoning behind it, but there's a thought for you.
If anything, I think life was worse when I did believe in God. I was more uncertain of myself. Although I suppose one could argue that the point of Christianity is not to make life better, but to appreciate the value of life. For worship, for God. For heaven.
Every organization can defend themselves. Yes, you participated in some outreach program to the poor and you heaped generous donations upon them. Ergo, you are a wonderful person and you are off the hook. After all, you've done your good deed, you don't need to feel "bad" anymore.
What I can never understand is why it is not enough. Where does it all go? Why is it never enough?
I know, you're going to tell me that I'm wrong, that it does make a difference in the lives of many people. And yet, I cannot help but feel that, despite all the charities and all the donations, it is never, ever enough. Why do we never see the fruits of our labors? Wait, what labors? So, you wrote a check. Tough, did you get muscle cramps?
And me, I'm sitting here in my room, in my house, with my computer, my clothes, my food, my shelter. My family. My books, my backpack, my mini iPod. My cell phone. And I have done absolutely nothing, nothing at all.
My point? I don't know.
P.S.--I think, after having gone to The Rock, I have become more certain than ever that God does not exist. This, I am sure, is the polar opposite of the effect they wished to have on me, but there you have it.
coming from a caroliine @ 19:02
<< Home